[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
They’re really bad with fonts.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.