Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.