cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
why isn’t he texting back
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.