What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
fixed it
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.