Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
favorite tropes as memes
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: