If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
You Might Also Like
Bringing home a sharpie
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
my professor scared me for a second
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
There’s never enough good news
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?