Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Bike is short for Bichael.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.