It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
good let them take over I have had enough
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Fights fire with marshmallows
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.