I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You Might Also Like
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Follow me for more life hacks.
can’t bark with your mouth full
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: