If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
You Might Also Like
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!