Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?