If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.