“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
We need to put an American base on the sun
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?