I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.