My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.