[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo