Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?