[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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Spider-cat: No One Home
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet