[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.