My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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Breaking news:
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
did it work
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Guilty! 🤪
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.