My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.