Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My blood type is coffee.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.