Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
first you must answer his riddles
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.