White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?