I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*