Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…