My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now