… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101