The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Do one person every day that scares you.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”