ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sing it!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time