interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I love it all
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Noah
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: