one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.