Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.