When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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