I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Just a phase…
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters