*pronounces woah like Noah*
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
won’t smith
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?