ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board