I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Bro what is this
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.