You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.