I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Husband of the year 😂
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious