don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.