A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Lmaoo 😂
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.