Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
You Might Also Like
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?