Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not