Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*