8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse