My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case