What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*aggressively waits in line*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.