*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
reviewed some movies recently
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.