[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
found my next D&D character name
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast